Wanted:

Housekeeper for one mashed crumb laden, random sticky spots on countertop, walls covered with various marks, lived-in home.

Must like dust.

Recently became a dog free home but ability to remove pet hair from joints in wood floors is a plus.

Above average height required to remove slime residue from ceilings, as the seven year old enjoys practicing his pitch with the gluey substance. He has quite an arm.

Strong elbows a must. Grease provided.

Must not roll eyes, shame homeowner or make ‘tsk tsk’ sounds when cleaning.

Loss of smell suggested. Especially when cleaning mudroom where heinous cleats reside. If you do have all senses intact but litter-box type smell doesn’t bother you, you’ll be fine. (Note- we do not own a cat. See aforementioned cleats.)

Must be able to lift 70 pounds and buy/bring/install new toilets each week. Trust me. It’s easier this way.

Organizational skills pay extra. Time and a half for anyone who can secretly dispose of ten thousand crayola drawing treasures my children demand we display on all surfaces.

No floor cleaning required. Cause why bother.

Must be trustworthy. No stealing valuables. Priceless items include piles of old clothes stuck in limbo of “pass down to the younger sibling or donate?”, random items purchased and awaiting return to various stores, boxes of stuffed animals that should be given away but will inevitably return to kids’ bedrooms when mom isn’t looking.

Baseboards must be cleaned weekly. Spackled and repainted monthly.

Ability to obtain high powered chemicals is a plus. Drains all 90% clogged with mysterious substances. My guess is peanut butter/hair/slime combination.

No referrals needed. We will take anyone.

Literally anyone.

A-N-Y-O-N-E.