I’d like to formally introduce myself. I’m something of a celebrity, you see. A rare breed. An anomele. A unicorn.

I am, according to my kids, THE ONLY MOTHER.

The only mother who does or does not do whatever my children wish I would do.

This is by no means an exhaustive list but my children are convinced:

• I am the only mom who doesn’t allow her kids unlimited time on technology. Apparently EVERY other mother in the universe allows her children to turn into absolute zombies. Mothers near and far allow their privileged children to play hour upon hour, day upon day, of mind numbing video games while my underprivileged and neglected children are forced to a life of outdoor breath. Abdicated to a life of fort building, rather than the desired never ending FortNite building. The shame.
• I am the only mother who does not issue an iPhone 11 to each child on their fourth birthday. While EVERY other kid is given a standard issue smart phone in pre-K, mine are forced to wait longer, suffering ridicule from peers and adult mockers alike.
• I am the only mother who doesn’t allow her children to watch YouTube completely unsupervised. ALL the other children in creation are given carte blanche passes to watch every amusing or amazing, vile or foul piece of video at their leisure. On repeat.
• I am the only mother who forces her children to brush their teeth. Twice a day. An absolute travesty. I cannot be swayed. Even when a certain offspring tried to campaign for lesser brushing allowances with the select words, ‘Mom! It’s summer break!’
• I am, in fact, solely alone in my decision to ask my children to avoid caffeinated sodas. All the other mothers are purchasing energy drinks in bulk for their pre-pubescent offspring and asking them to drink (at minimum) two cans each evening just prior to bedtime. Jolt, Red Bull and Monster en masse.
• I am the only mother who did not pierce her daughters’ ears in utero. I am behind the times, antiquated, mean and prone to showing unusual cruelty when it comes to ear jewelry and other spectacles of fashion.
• All the other mothers buy their children new sneakers on a weekly basis. Each child gets the newest pair of KDs, Yeezies, or Adidas Boost as soon they drop. My children are relegated to soleless, backless, laceless, styleless kicks. The shame.
• I will not allow my children to watch certain TV shows while the other kids in class have parents who are “super cool and don’t care if they watch stupid TV.”
• I ‘freak out about the dumbest things ever’ according to the irritated child who was asked to stay inside for dinner versus riding his bike in our neighborhood. IN. THE. PITCH. BLACK. While wearing head to toe black. I am an insensitive and annoying being.

If, by chance, I am not the ONLY mother, please reach out. Perhaps two or three of us could meet for coffee and start a support group. Maybe we could get t-shirts and scan the globe for a few other mothers to join us.

However, it’s unlikely we’ll have many takers because, according to my kids, ALL the other mothers will be too busy being cool and not caring what their kids are doing.

Signed,

Uncooler by the minute