Before you read this post, I’m going to ask for a little favor. Close your eyes (after reading this paragraph!) and ask yourself what you’d do if you had the guts. What passion of yours lies in the wings? What dream has been placed on hold? What desire burns so hot that you know, without a shadow of a doubt, if you reached for it, it would be yours for the taking?

You’re simply too chicken to grab it.

Chicken seems condescending but in my personal experience, the other fancy names really all come down to this elementary school term. I was lacking confidence. I was lacking faith. I was short sighted. I was nervous. I was anxious.

I was chicken.

I quit my full time sales job over two years ago. The final choice likely seemed rather abrupt to even some of my closest family but the decision was years in the making. Years. It began as a gnawing knowing. You know the kind. The fleeting thought that slips away and then returns with a surprise. Landing with a thud so squarely in your conscience that you know you can’t brush it aside. The thought you wished you had never allowed to fully form because now you have to do something with it. Mine went something like:

“You want to be home more with your kids………”

Nope. Not me. Not with our current financial situation, me comfortably the breadwinner and everything trucking along so smoothly. Too many kids, too many expenses, too much current stability and security. Do you know how much college costs? Nope. Nope. Nope and no thank you. 

The thought is shoved neatly aside, or so you think, before it re-enters with a firmer voice.

“I’m not asking if you want to be home more with your kids- I am reminding you of what you already know to be true.”

Ummmmm……

This is not good timing. I don’t know that I can be a full time mom. I don’t know that we can handle the shift in income. I don’t know that my kids would even benefit from more of my presence since some days I’m botching the limited evening hours I give them. I don’t know what others will think. I know what certain others will think and I don’t want to deal with that line of questioning. What do stay at home moms do all day besides play Pat-a-Cake? I don’t even like Pat-a-cake. So, again, I appreciate the idea but I am going to have to regretfully decline.

At this point, the thought goes from being a slight nagging presence to a full blown resident of your mind. For me, it pervaded every thought. It became my stream of consciousness, the first thought to enter my head when I awoke each day. Before my eyes opened or my head lifted from the pillow, the knowing that I was supposed to be doing something was present. Ignoring it, fighting it, dismissing it only caused it to grow louder.

“YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME. To yourself. You know what you want to do. You know what you ARE to do. You know what is capable and you are denying the possibility. Denying your family. Denying yourself.”

Months went by and this thought pattern continued. Every day. Some days I voiced my inner monologue to Matt and we’d pray about it. Or do some number crunching. Or pray and number crunch. Or just talk about it. But it wasn’t until the thoughts intensified and I realized I was going to suffocate under the weight that I began to voice it to others. A select few. Opening it up to others and shining light on the idea accomplished several things.

• It was out in the open. Anything wrapped up in secret seems scary and impossible. Shedding light and getting fresh perspective from trusted friends allowed me to breathe a little. Everyone had a different opinion which didn’t make the decision any easier but it led me to believe that processing the idea, in and of itself, was safe.

Do you have a confidant? Who provides you with the most sound advice on even the most sensitive topics?

• It wasn’t a big deal. If anyone else on earth had shared with me that they were contemplating a job change, I wouldn’t have thought a thing of it. I would have gladly shared my pros and cons on their decision, if asked, and wished them well. The fact that this was MY decision made it overwhelming. Sharing my idea with friends was a quick level-set that this was a big family decision, but in light of everything else that would happen in our lives, not to mention what happens in the world on a daily basis, this was small potatoes. Like so small. Super tiny, miniscule, diced, little potatoes.

Are you able to look at your unique situation with the eyes of an outsider? Can you take yourself out of the equation and determine how you’d advise someone in your shoes?

• My feet aren’t in concrete. This is an old adage my mom likes to use to remind me that most decisions, regardless of grandeur, aren’t for life. Aside from my marriage, most other decisions can be altered. (Matt is stuck with me.) Jobs will change. Hairstyles will change. Fashion undoubtedly will change. Should I find myself hating a decision I made, my feet are undoubtedly not stuck in concrete.

Unless it’s a covenant or contract, keep in mind there is often wiggle room. We have the freedom to decide and the freedom to adjust that decision.

• Our family outcome had to be more important than our family income. The crux of the issue for me was finances. Security. The reality that our income would be dramatically reduced caused me to pause. More accurately, it caused me to freak out, panic and nearly hyperventilate. Kids are expensive and I like to eat. I could ruminate all day about the issues that were listed on the ‘con’ list for quitting my job but money should have been listed in the top spot. The top five spots. When I was able to pull out the root concern and look at it reasonably, I knew I couldn’t allow this to be a determining factor. Despite my fear that we’d never make up this lost ground of income, I knew that God had big plans in store for this time in my life. That He would honor our faithfulness. More importantly, I knew I had to honor the desire I knew He laid on my heart.

Are you stripping down the excuses or ‘reasons’ to determine the ‘main thing?’ If so, are you keeping the main thing the main thing? Are you aligning yourself with God’s word? Linking up with others who follow wise counsel and can guide you to do the same? Decisions are easier when you’re rooted in prayer and daily devotions. Note I didn’t say easy. Easier.

I prayed about it. First, it was “God, please remove this thougtht from my mind. Please squash it. I’m fairly certain it’s not from you. And even if it is, I’m not sure you’ve really thought it out. I know that you created the universe but I’m just not sure you understand my mental makeup and inadequacies as a mother. I don’t know if you’ve looked at our balance sheet lately but this decrease in income would be a huge change to our lifestyle and we’re rocking along pretty steady right now. So, thank you for the thought but please return it.”

Later the prayers began to morph into “Lord, this seems to be something I want and I get the feeling you would like me to make this shift because I’m eating, breathing, sleeping, dreaming this possibility right now. Please open my eyes to what is Your will and help me understand how it would even be possible.” 

Those prayers shifted into “Father, it appears we need X amount of dollars to not be forced to exist solely on ramen noodles. Lord, I’m not seeing any part time jobs available that would allow that to happen. I’m trusting you to bring a job forth.” 

The job didn’t come. For months and months and months the job didn’t come. But I knew from the depths of my indecisive soul this decision was to be. I prayed and knew I had to quit my job regardless of the safety net of a part-time job waiting. When I approached Matt, he beat me to the punch. He told me he felt we needed to take a leap of faith, that I’d never know the fullness of the possibilities unless I resigned. So I prepared my resignation letter and set a date. Within days I received a call from a headhunter with a position available in our area.

Part time.

The timing was impeccable. Because the timing was His.

I had been forced to trust and rely on God’s provision, not knowing how things would turn out. Not knowing if a safety net existed.

Looking back on the last 30 months, I am amazed at what has taken shape. A part time-job that has been as close as possible to something I would have laid out in a dream. Days to watch too much Wild Kratts and do mountains of laundry with a little toe-headed dude. The ability to realize in full that being short on time was NOT the reason I’ve been a terrible housekeeper. It seems to have something more to do with an actual desire to clean. The opportunity to join Bible studies and small groups and interact and engage and fellowship with women I never would have known.

I have never second guessed this decision. Not for one, single, solitary second. Coming from a notoriously indecisive woman, this is saying a lot. In retrospect, I have but one regret- that I didn’t listen to that still small voice sooner.

Friends, what have you been putting off? What are you ignoring? Stuffing down in the hopes the desire will go away? What is your still, small voice whispering? Or has that voice increased in volume to get your attention? Listen to it. Listen to Him. Heed the instructions and lay it before His feet.

If God can move in the heart of this chicken, He can surely move in yours.